


Didn’t I give you everything?

by wicciangirl



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-15
Updated: 2013-06-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 00:58:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/843451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wicciangirl/pseuds/wicciangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam’s seemingly perfect life falls apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Didn’t I give you everything?

Adam woke up in tears for the sixth night in a row, the moon shining in, bringing light to the darkest corners of his bedroom highlighting the now desolate and empty spaces. Tuning to his bedside table Adam groaned, it was three a.m. and he knew that he should go back to sleep, to make sure he held it together but he couldn’t sleep knowing that tomorrow his now ex-boyfriend would be coming around to collect the last of his things. He had given everything he had, his heart, his hope, fears and dreams only for them to crushed in one fell swoop.

Adam knew that he should have ended the relationship a long time ago. For the last three months he had noticed things that didn’t add up or feel right but he had ignored it because for the first time in his life he was truly happy. Life was amazing, until he had walked in on the first person he had truly loved, having sex with some blonde woman in a closet of all places. The irony of the moment wasn’t lost on him and he knew someday he would be able to think about it without it hurting.

It almost broke him to be calmly told that it was his fault because he was always too busy with his music. It just wasn’t true, Adam had often gone without sleep to fly across the country so they could spend the night together. Most of all Adam hated the assumption that all the shit the label put them through was his fault. 

The label insisted on pitting them against one another in the charts and making most of their tour dates conflict. Over the past year, Adam could count the number of times they had been touring in the same city for more than a day on his fingers and toes, and still have digits to spare. 

Adam had tried to protect them and fought the label tooth and nail, about how they were treated. It was just a matter of biding their time until their contracts were up for renewal and he could hire the amazingly fierce woman he had met six months ago to be their manager. 

Knowing he wasn’t going to be able to get back to sleep Adam quickly dressed, picked up his car keys and walked outside and into his car. He had no idea where he would go but just couldn’t be inside the house that they had called home for the last ten months without losing it.

The house was a living scrapbook of their relationship and he would have to sell it, there was no way he could live there. He couldn’t see the couch were they had first exchanged tentative kisses, he had been terrified when his straight friend had kissed him. He couldn’t look at the rug in front of the fireplace where they had first declared their love and made love. He couldn’t cook in the kitchen they had used for their first Hanukkah/Christmas party or eat at the table where they had a candlelit meal in celebration of coming out as a couple.

Looking up Adam was surprised to see he was outside the studio, he would have thought it was the last place he would want to go since his music was being blamed for his boyfriend’s cheating. 

Pulling into a parking space, Adam got out the car and quickly headed into the studio needing to put his feelings, his pain down on paper. He knew that it would help him in the long run, he had always used music as a form of therapy, he had no idea how healthy it was but it worked for him. Letting himself into the studio, he walked into what he considered to be his booth, the place where he recorded most of his tracks. Picking up a piece of paper, he just started writing, not focusing on the words themselves but on his feelings. 

Adam looked up as he heard footsteps approaching, looking at his watch, he was amazed to see it was now seven thirty and people would be heading in soon to start recording. Standing, he ignored the click of his legs and picked up his song knowing he couldn’t leave something so private around for people to see. He had no idea if he would ever use the song and if not, Adam would still keep it as a reminder that he was stronger than this, he didn’t have to let it break him. 

At the loud buzzing of his phone on the table, Adam quickly picked it up and seeing Kris was calling, ended the call. He wasn’t ready to talk to Kris, he was too liable to break if he did. Adam stealthily made his way out of the studio, hoping to avoid everyone so no one could ask any uncomfortable questions.

*******

Six months later Adam was pacing in the green room of the Ellen show, wanting nothing more than to be on stage already. He had already been warned by April, his new fierce manager that Kris and Matt would both be performing a song on the show since they all had albums out in the next ten days. Adam was sure it was a plan orchestrated to make sure they each got a lot of publicity, he was just relieved to have a friend there for the inevitable confrontation.

He jumped as someone touched his shoulder, he spun around quickly ready to scream at whoever it was to leave him alone only to find Kris staring at him with a strange mix of regret and fear.

Kris said desperately “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Adam...please don’t shut me out.”

Kissing Kris’s hair Adam said gently, “I'm sorry too, baby. Don’t worry, we’re okay.”

“Really?” Kris asked hopefully

Adam nodded saying honestly, “I just needed some time. I just...I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” Kris said with a hitch, sighing in relief when Adam pulled him into a tight hug.

Nuzzling Adam’s chest Kris breathed in the soothing yet sensual scent of Adam, he had missed this, missed Adam more than he could ever say. It stabbed at his heart to think of how he had walked out of the house six months ago, with Adam’s shouted words to get the fuck out and never come back echoing in his ears. Walking out was the hardest thing he had ever done but he had known that Adam meant every word.

Eventually Kris said into Adam’s chest, “You look better.”

Adam grinned sadly, “Obviously, Kristopher. I was a crying mess last time you saw me, not even I look good crying.” 

Kris shrugged, “Oh, I don’t know about that. You always look good, even stumbling around half asleep with panda eyes from your favourite eyeliner. Let’s face it, you’re beautiful.”

“Isn’t this cosy?”

Adam’s head flew up at the sneer; surprised to see Matt watching them with anger and jealousy shining in his eyes. He stayed calm, noticing how Kris had stilled in his arms, waiting for whatever was going to happen with Matt to be over.

“Hello, Matt.” Adam said civilly, not a hint of warmth in his voice.

Matt nodded in acknowledgement, eyes still focused on Kris, noticing the almost unconscious way Kris’s hand was stroking Adam’s arm. Matt knew he had no right to feel angry, to feel betrayed when he was the one who had cheated on Adam, the one who had broken Adam’s heart. He knew that was what he had done, he had watched in the tabloids as Adam lost weight and seemed to lose some of the spark that made Adam, Adam. The first time he had seen that spark in six months was now, when his ex-lover was in Kris’s arms and he hated it. 

Knowing he was on stage next Adam said to Kris, “I'm up next. I'll see you later.”

Ignoring Matt’s glare Kris said firmly, “I'm coming with you, I can listen at the wings, and it’s not like anyone would mind.”

Knowing he couldn’t change the man’s mind Adam nodded reluctantly, this was the exclusive performance of his first single and he was worried about how everyone would react to it, how Kris would react. This song was born of his pain and rage, he didn’t know he could survive if people hated it because he had never been so exposed in his life.

Walking onto the stage with a smile Adam, quickly greeted Ellen with a hug, the woman had become a friend to him. He settled into the comfortable chair and waited for the interview to begin, knowing Matt would inevitably be a topic of conversation.

“So Adam, we haven’t heard much of you in the last six months. Of course, your break up with Matt Girard made the news. How have you been since then?”

Adam smiled, “I’ve been good. Obviously, my breakup with Matt was painful and I needed some time to process everything. I'm in a great place now and I feel ready to date again. I got a lot of inspiration from our breakup and I know it made me a stronger person.”

“That’s great, I take it there was no massive argument backstage then when you met Matt.” 

Amused at the woman’s brash questioning Adam laughed, “Of course not!”

“That’s great. Are you ready to perform your new single, Not Me, Not I?”

Adam nodded rapidly, hoping that it would get a good reception because he had put his heart into the song. This was the first time he had bared himself, scars and all to the world. Walking over to the band, Adam got into position, taking a deep breath before he started singing. 

“You mixed me up for someone  
Who'd fall apart without you  
Yeah you broke my heart for the first time  
But I'll get over that too  
It's hard to find the reasons  
Who can see the rhyme?  
I guess that we where seasons out of time  
I guess you didn't know me

If you think love is blind  
That I wouldn't see the flaws between the lines  
Surprised that I caught you out  
On every single time that you lied  
Did you think that every time I see you I would cry  
No not me, not I, not I, no not me, not I

The story goes on without you  
And there's got to be another ending  
But yeah you broke my heart it won't be the last time  
But I'll get over them too  
As a new door opens we close the ones behind  
And if you search your soul I know you'll find  
You never really knew me

If you think love is blind  
That I wouldn't see the flaws between the lines  
Surprised that I caught you out  
On every single time that you lied  
Did you think that every time I see you I would cry  
No not me, not I, not I, not I, not I

All you said to me  
All you promised me  
All the mystery never did believe  
No I never cry no I never not me not I

If you think love is blind  
That I wouldn't see the flaws between the lines  
Surprised that I caught you out  
On every single time that you lied  
Did you think that every time I see you I would cry  
No not I, I won't cry  
No not me, not I, not I”

Adam smiled softly as the audience started clapping loudly, looking over he could see Ellen smiling widely. He moved away from the stand to walk backstage but before he could, Kris walked out on stage, grabbing him in a tight hug. Adam closed his eyes for a second, relishing the moment. Even after all Kris had done to him, he missed the comfort of Kris’s arms. Knowing the cameras were on them, Adam reluctantly moved back, seeing his happiness reflected in Kris’s eyes.

“That was really beautiful,” Kris said sincerely as they broke apart, keeping one arm around Adam’s waist.

“Thank you,” Adam said softly.

Walking over to the pair Ellen said smiling, “It is great see you two are still close. I take it you like the song, Kris.”

Subtly pulling Adam closer Kris answered quickly, “It’s amazing.”

“Now why don’t you both sit with me and we can catch up up,” Ellen suggested.

Nodding in agreement, Kris let go of Adam and led the way to the sofa and sat down. As Adam sat down next to him, Kris shivered slightly as the heat from Adam emanated to him. He looked over at Adam’s face and was pleased to see the man looked content, for months the papers seemed to be full of pictures showing a subdued, melancholy Adam.

Ellen asked delicately, “Adam, the song is amazing and very personal. Was the song based on your relationship with Matt?”

Adam nodded, “Yep. I needed to write to help me process everything. I wrote it in a couple of hours one night after we had broken up.”

“Now you can relax, Adam, while I grill Kris. Kris, how are you doing since you divorce?”

Kris shrugged saying, “I'm good, Ellen. Katy and I knew from the end of the American Idol tour that our marriage was in trouble. We had both changed so much and wanted different things from life. We are both happier now and she is dating one of her co-stars. As for the articles in the papers about my current love life, I’m not dating anyone at the moment.”

“So are you ready to move on?” Ellen asked casually, out of the corner of her eye she noticed Adam was paying more attention to them now.

Kris nodded saying seriously, “Yeah, in fact there is someone I'm interested in but I did some stupid things and I ruined everything.”

“So tell me about your new song,” Ellen said with an easy laugh. 

“I tend to be a personal songwriter, I use my own experiences to inspire me. Stay was written because of what I did to the one person I could see myself starting again with, the person I have been in love with for a long time without realising it. I'm hoping that it will show them how I feel.”

“Well, I can’t wait to hear it so go and get yourself comfortable,” Ellen said with a grin prompting Kris to dart across the stage.

“Adam, you can tell us what you think about Kris’s new song in a few minutes,” Ellen said quickly.

The music started and Kris started singing hoping that Adam would realise he meant every single word.

"Stay (stay, stay)  
Stay (stay, stay)

I wanna show you  
Every single dream I got inside of my mind (mind)  
I wanna love you  
Better than you've ever known before

You are my fantasy (yeah yeah)  
You're everything to me (oh woah)  
Can't watch you walkin' out my door

So why don't you  
Stay for a minute  
Give me one more try  
Stay with me I'm falling apart  
Baby won't you  
Stay for a minute  
Please don't say goodbye  
You and me together  
Stay in my life

A new beginning  
And let nothing come between us ever again  
And somehow, I will be singin'  
Songs you've never heard before

You are my fantasy (yeah yeah)  
You're everything to me (oh woah)  
Can't watch you walkin' out my door (hey yeah)

So why don't you  
Stay for a minute  
Give me one more try  
Stay with me I'm falling apart  
Baby won't you  
Stay for a minute (oh yeah)  
Please don't say goodbye  
You and me together  
Stay in my life

Give me a second chance  
To build a new romance  
That's all I'm askin' for tonight, baby  
C'mon and take my hand (take my hand)  
And try to understand (understand)  
You gotta stay in my life

Woah stay  
Stay with me baby  
I'm falling apart  
(Please don't say goodbye)  
Stay with me tonight  
Don't say goodbye  
Stay in my life

So why don't you  
Stay for a minute (ooh ooh ooh ooh)  
Give me one more try  
Stay with me I'm falling apart (ooh ooh ooh ooh)  
Baby won't you (falling apart)  
Stay for a minute (ooh ooh ooh ooh)  
Please don't say goodbye  
You and me together  
Stay in my life

(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)  
Stay with me baby (ooh ooh ooh ooh)  
I'm falling apart  
Baby won't you  
Stay for a minute (ooh ooh ooh ooh)  
Please don't say goodbye (stay with me baby)  
You and me together  
Stay in my life.”

Kris finished singing and looked over to where Adam was sitting, both pleased and nervous by the understanding on the man’s face. It looked like Adam had received his message and hopefully he would get another chance, he was terrified that he would mess up again. He had done so much to screw up their chances of a relationship by taking advantage of Adam’s vulnerability. He knew he would have to beg for Adam’s forgiveness and he would. He would do anything for Adam, he just needed to convince Adam that he was serious about them being together.

“That was gorgeous,” Adam said honestly as he and Ellen walked over to Kris.

“It really was and I'm sure whoever the song is about will give you another chance after hearing that.”

“I hope so, Ellen.” Kris said quickly before the host turned back to the camera to close the show.

Ellen smiled, “Okay, we’ve had an amazing day listening to three of American Idol 2009 alumni and I think you’ll agree all of them were wonderful. Tomorrow we’ve got the original idol Kelly Clarkson and actor Johnny Deep.”

Once they were safely away from the crowd and the cameras, Kris said, “We need to talk. Adam, do you want to come to my place for dinner? I'll even cook.”

Looking at Kris’s earnest expression, Adam considered the question carefully, not wanting to do something stupid that would hurt him later. Finally deciding that it would be best to talk in private were no one could overhear and knowing that his place still had paparazzi outside, Adam nodded decisively.

“Sure. So what are you making me for dinner?”

Kris said quickly, “I was thinking about stir fry if that’s okay, it’ll give us plenty of time to talk.”

“It’s fine with me. Do you need a lift?”

Kris said with a small grin, “That would be great, I'm glad the label arranged this, Adam. It’s really great to see you again, to be around again.” 

Adam laughed, “I think they were hoping for Matt and I to get into a fight for some extra exposure.”

“Probably,” Kris agreed, leading the way to dressing room and ignoring Matt standing in the doorway glaring at them.

Grabbing his jacket from the dressing room Adam let out an annoyed sigh at Matt’s presence. He didn’t want Matt hounding him, he had worked through his feelings and now Mat was nothing but a part of his past.

Eventually Adam asked, “What do you want, Matt?”

“You. I love you, Adam. I'm sorry, I know I messed up but I won’t do it again,” Matt said seriously.

Adam said firmly, “You can’t have me. I'm glad you realised what an bastard you are but that doesn’t matter. I’ve moved on, Matt.”

“I can see that,” Matt sneered looking at Kris who was standing next to Adam, one hand on Adam’s arm.

Matt had known all along that Adam had been attracted to the southerner from the beginning of the competition. One drunken night on tour, Adam had actually told him that he was in love with Kris and it tore him to pieces to watch Kris with Katy, even though he knew Kris was straight. As a result, Matt had found himself spending more time with Adam, whilst wondering how Kris could be so oblivious to Adam’s pain considering how close the pair had always been. As they spent more time together Matt had come to realise, he was in love with Adam. Even during their relationship Matt had known a part of Adam still loved Kris, he just never realised Kris would swoop in to take his place.

Adam said with a steely calm, “Matt, what I do is none of your business. You are nothing to me.”

Satisfied he had made his point Adam pushed past the man, hearing Kris right behind him causing him to let out a sigh of relief. The last thing any of them needed was for Matt and Kris to get into a fight, he knew, if they stayed any longer Matt would cause one. 

Adam and Kris stepped outside into the car park, unsurprised to see the throng of fans outside the studio but not wanting to delay their crisis talk any longer they both got into the car.  
********  
Once they were comfortable ensconced on his large black leather sofa, Kris asked, “So do you want to talk now or after we’ve eaten?”

Adam said seriously, “We’ve got to be totally honest with each other. Kris, I'll leave right now if you don’t agree.”

Kris nodded and tried to think of how to get the conversation started, he knew he should be the one to go first after what he had done. Finally, he decided to try and explain why he had done and said what he did.

“Adam, I love you. When I went to your place six months ago, I was being selfish. I know that I took advantage of you, of your pain after breaking up with Matt. I don’t know what I can do to make up for it.”

Adam said quickly, “It helps that we’re talking. You didn’t take advantage of me, Kris, I wanted to have sex with you. Since we’re being honest, I’ve been attracted to you since we met in the auditions. I realised that I loved you around the fourth week of the show and my feelings never changed, even when I was with Matt. The problem wasn’t that we had sex, the problem was what you said the next morning.”

Having suspected as much, Kris nodded, even now he had no idea why he had been so cruel to the man he had been half in love with when they had slept together. Perhaps his brother was right, it was because he had just realised the depth of his feelings for Adam and freaked out. Kris could remember thinking that he would lose everything; his family, friends and career if people discovered he was bisexual. Even now, Kris hadn’t come out to the world at large; he hadn’t seen a need to since he didn’t have Adam and he wasn’t interested in being with anyone else.

Adam said passionately, “Kris, do you have any idea what that did to me? To wake up after we had an amazing night to hear you say that you only let me fuck you out of pity and not to tell anyone about it because you didn’t want me ruining your career. You used me and threw me aside like trash.”

“I know I was a bastard to you and I can’t take back what I said, all I can say is that I am really sorry. I was scared and I didn’t handle it very well.”

Adam explained gently, “Kris, it wasn’t just what happened with Matt that I had to process. You hurt me, Kris. Being scared was no reason to hurt me or to avoid me for six months. I’ve tried to call you at least ten times in the last six months but your PA always said you were unavailable. If you treat me like shit again, I won’t forgive you.” 

Kris protested, “I swear, I only told Rachel that I wasn’t available once because I was afraid of seeing hate and pain in your eyes. She only told me that you phoned once. I swear if I had known you were calling me, I would have answered. I didn’t want to be the one to make the first move because I was worried that you would either ignore me or tell me that you didn’t want to see me again. I guess she was trying to protect me in her own way.”

“Kris, where do you see our relationship going?” Adam questioned, afraid of what the answer would be because he wanted forever and anything else would tear his heart to pieces.

Eyes sparkling in joy Kris said earnestly, “I want us to have a life together and raise a family, at least one boy and a girl; both of whom will probably have us wrapped around their little fingers. I want to take you to my high school reunion and brag about my amazing partner. I want you, Adam.”

Adam stared in amazement; he had never thought that Kris would be so in love with him that he would see them raising a family together. Adam ached in need for it to become a reality, now that Kris had told him it was what he wanted Adam knew that he truly could have it all. 

“What about your career?”

Kris snarled. “Fuck it, if my fans can’t deal with my being in love with you, I'm happy to lose them. I swear I will come out tomorrow, I’ve got an interview on E! News. I'm serious about this, about you; just ask my family. I’ve been driving Daniel insane with my moping. I hope you don’t mind but I told him the bare bones of what happened; just that we had an amazing night and the next morning I was a selfish coward. Daniel said that you’d have to be a saint to take me back.”

“Not a saint, just a man in love.” Adam grinned, taking hold Kris’s hand and bringing it to his mouth, placing a delicate kiss on the palm.

“Does that mean we’re together?”

Adam nodded with a seductive grin, “It sure does, baby. So why don’t you make our dinner because you will need the energy for tonight. I am going to fuck you so hard until you are whimpering in need and then I'm going to take so slow and gentle until you fall apart beneath me. Tonight, I’m going to make you mine.”

Kris blushed as he felt himself let out a low moan at the pictures Adam’s words were creating in his mind. He had been using the memory of their only night together as fantasy material, remembering the touch of Adam’s hands on his skin, the way Adam and laughed lowly as he writhed under the older man, begging for more.  
*******  
Four years later

Adam pulled Kris along with him as he rushed down the hospital corridors, quickly stopping outside the maternity unit. Looking at each other, neither man could believe that it was actually happening, today their deepest wish was coming true.

“Good morning, she’s doing great and so are the babies.”

“Hi, Dr Craven. Can we go in to see her now?”

“Of course, I think her husband is with her at the moment so the room might be a little crowded.”

Adam nodded in understanding, taking Kris’s hand and walking into the hospital room. He was captivated by the sight of Megan singing softly to the mewling babies in her arm, and laughed slightly at Anoop’s goofy grin. He was still amazed that Anoop and Megan had done this for them, he would be forever in debt to them.

“You look amazing Megan,” Adam said honestly.

“You’re such a liar, Adam. I look a mess.”

“You’ve never looked more beautiful,” Kris said softly.

Megan was amazed by the look of awe and gratitude in Kris and Adam’s eyes. She was happy that she could do this for her friends even if some of her friends called her crazy or didn’t want to talk to her. She knew how much they wanted a family and what great parents they would be so the solution seemed obvious to her. At least with her being their surrogate, they had someone they could trust.

“Adam, Kris come over and meet your children,” Megan ordered.

“Have you thought of names yet?” Anoop asked softly, pleased that his wife was still holding it together. He had feared she wouldn’t be able to let go at the end of the day.

Gently holding his daughter in his arms, Adam nodded, “Everyone this is Rose Megan Lambert-Allen.”

Megan’s eyes watered as she heard the name, overwhelmed that they would do such a thing. They had agreed for her to act as their surrogate and nothing more.

“This is Finlay Blake Lambert-Allen,” Kris said holding their son his arms and marvelling about how small he was and noticing that he had Adam’s eyes.

“Beautiful names for beautiful children,” Anoop said with a smile as he took his wife’s hand, seeing the joy on her face as she looked at Adam and Kris

Standing beside Kris, Adam looked at their children saying, “Rose, Finlay, I'm your dad and that’s your papa. We’re going to do everything to make sure you never cry. We will teach you and love you unconditionally.”

Kris smiled saying to their children, “We’re going to protect you and listen to you. We will probably embarrass you when you’re older and annoy you but we will always be here for you.”

Sitting beside his partner, each of them holding one of their children; Adam felt as if he had achieved everything he had ever wanted. He had always wanted children but had never thought they would be a reality. Adam was happy that Matt had cheated on him years ago because it had led him to Kris, with whom he had everything he had dreamed of and he knew whatever the future might bring they would deal with it together as a family.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I know none of these people, nor do I own them, they own themselves. This never happened. I do not own any of these songs and no copyright infringement is intended. The story has the songs Not Me, Not I and Stay as being written Adam Lambert or Kris Allen however the songs were written by other people. Not Me, Not I was written by Delta Goodrem, Eliot John Kennedy, Kara Dioguardia, Gary Barlow, and Jarrad Rogers. © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC. Stay was written by Mikkel S.E . and Hallgeir Rustan © EMI Music Publishing. The title comes from a line in the song Piece of My Heart by Bert Berns & Jerry Ragavoy Faith Hill © 2001 Warner Bros. Records inc Warner Music Group


End file.
